Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Modest Proposal Redux

Overpopulation is a serious issue in many parts of the world. In many countries, the land can no longer support all of the people who live on it, and so many suffer in poverty. Luckily, though, a solution is in sight, and from one of the most unlikely places! A plan has already been put into effect, right under our noses, and it seems even the participants are unaware of the great service they are doing for our planet! I am, of course, talking about the anti-vaccination movement.

The vaccination issue is very hot right now, with those on the antivax side convinced that vaccinations are giving children autism, and those on the anti-antivax side convinced that the antivaxxers are causing children to die of vaccine-preventable diseases. But those on the anti-antivax side are focusing too much on the negative and ignoring the positive, which is that children are dying of vaccine-preventable diseases! It is an uncomfortable thought, to be sure, but think of all the children those kids would have spawned, and their children after them, and so on until the planet would no longer be able to support any kind of life at all. It’s best to prevent that chain of events now while we still can.

As far as autism goes, no one has ever shown conclusively that vaccines cause autism, but we better not take any chances. After all, there has never been one successful autistic person in history. We don’t want all of these autists running around, living off of welfare, and never contributing anything to mankind! Better dead than autistic! And speaking of reducing the population of those who wouldn’t contribute, there is a large group of people with medical problems that prevent them from being able to get vaccinated. They rely on something called “herd immunity” where if most of the people around them are vaccinated they will be protected themselves. If we take away their herd immunity they might contract these diseases and die, and there would be one less group of people to leech off the rest of us.

Another possible benefit, which may seem a little over the top but bear with me, would be that those who die from illnesses might be used to provide food for those who need it. Why litter the ground with coffins when every scrap of leftovers can be put to use? I know what you’re going to say, that if they died from disease the body would be infected. You don’t seem to have taken into account that the people eating the meat would have either gotten infected and developed immunity or have been vaccinated themselves, so there would be no risk. The packaging would be clearly labeled so that those without immunity or who would rather not partake can choose not to. This would help reduce the strain on other food sources as well.

I realize it may seem as if I don’t care, that I enjoy the idea of children across the world dying before they’ve even had a chance to live. On the contrary! I see it as a necessary evil, the loss of some for the benefit of all! Their sacrifice will contribute to the well-being and happiness of others the world over. I’m sure that honorable position will be compensation enough.


Ok, for those of you who may not have picked up on it, this is satire. I don’t actually think a child dying of vaccine-preventable illness is a good thing, I think it’s a very bad thing, which is why I wrote this. I wasn’t going to write a disclaimer because I figured people would get it, but then I remembered that this is the internet.

This actually spawned from my impression of a lot of antivax arguments, which always seem to be based on the idea that if vaccines do cause autism, it would be better to take a chance with diseases that could potentially kill you if you were to contract them. They are saying, in effect, that it’s better to be dead than autistic. I think there are a lot of autistic people out there that might have a problem with that idea.

My inspiration should be obvious, both from the title and the bit about eating the “leftovers.” Mmmmm… Leftovers…

Links to more serious (and scientifically based) vaccine information-

Science Based Medicine
Jenny McCarthy Body Count

1 comment:

  1. wonder if this would wake up some people in a school newsletter?.....
    could we measure accurately the correlation of phone calls to the number of people that actually read the newsletter?
    ps. except for the cannibalism parts...not sure that would meet the free and reduced guidelines?